Maybe you’re the problem!
This time last year, i was in a relationship with a man who cherished my existence in ways i am still unable to fully comprehend. Despite my best lazy efforts to reciprocate this feeling, i never quite reached the intensity through which it was initially transmitted. He broke up with me, in October of the same year, and i did not at the time quite understand the impact of my actions and how they drove him to make that decision.
As i reflected back on my interaction with him i realised that although it was hard to admit, i had not been providing a safe space for him to be himself, i have not nurtured our interaction, and was quite frankly to a certain extent, toxic.
See, most of us do not grow up in environments where healthy relationships are the norms. Be it our families, the communities or the environment we are frequently exposed to.
On top of that, Hollywood and social media constantly romanticises , jealous, possessive, manipulative and sexist traits in relationships and so it is no wonder we unconsciously seek toxic traits in our partners and see our personalities influenced and changed by the negative exposure of the environments we grow up in. Coming to this realisation has not been easy, as it forced me to have one-on-ones with traumas and life experiences that have negatively shaped me, that i was not only ready to face but also unaware of.
The possible realisation that we could be the toxic one in our relationships, be they romantic or platonic is scary, it forces us out of victimhood and demand we take accountability for our actions. It is often easy to forget that we too have the capacity within us, to hurt other people, to suffocate them and leave them no space for them to breathe and evolve.
We are all aware of more aggressive and visible forms of toxicity, such as physical or domestic abuse, shouting or screaming when angry etc. However more subtle forms of toxic behaviours are often overlooked and at times even romanticised. Emotional manipulation, such as ghosting or giving your partner the silence treatment, withholding emotions due to personal insecurities, avoiding communication and healthy discussions and especially never taking responsibility for your own actions and at times turning the situation around as though you were the victim, are all signs of toxic behaviours. Narratives such as the “crazy, jealous girlfriend” and the “ jealous protective boyfriend” have become #goals for many of us and traits to aspire in relationships. Forgetting that passive obsessiveness creates a more subtle form of ownership, which in part denies your partner a sense of full autonomy over themselves and their existence. “You are mine”. No! Your partner is not yours, their existence does not belong to you. They may have decided to share their existence with you and wish you cherish that, but they certainly do not belong to you.
As Heltima once said, Ghosting and other forms of passive emotional abusive “ is manipulative, it creates insecurities on the other person and leave them questioning every aspect of the relationship”.
I speak from experience, that many at times we don´t know what constitutes as toxic behaviour. That is why i place such huge importance in shifting the current paradigm of victimisation and change it to one where we´re able to recognise our mistakes and flaws as well.
We often place a huge emphasis on how other people have hurt us, how much we gave up for them and how much they abused it. How we gave up on ourselves, our dreams and ambitions in sacrifice for those we love. Though your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel all that you feel,, most of this hurt often comes from a rooted belief that we are entitled to people´s time and affection, and that because we love or care for them, they must reciprocate it. This leads to a cycle beautifully described by the old saying “hurt people, hurt people”. Meaning that the pain you experience, if unprocessed will lead to you consciously or unconsciously hurt other people as well. This is because, the relationships we have with other people are mirrors to the relationships we have with our selves.
I am by no means trying to diminish the victims pain, nor am i seeking to place abusers at the centre of this conversation. I am merely saying that we should position ourselves where we rightfully belong. Meaning be a victim when you´ve been hurt, but also learn to take accountability when you have hurt someone else.
I believe that, a key step in freeing yourself from your own toxicity is through self-love and accountability. Creating a healthy relationship with yourself where you honour your existence, where you take time to heal from traumas and eventually cherish your own space and the beauty of all that you are, will resulting in you doing the same for others. Remember that an empty cup can pour nothing out of it.
This article, is an apology to all those who have been hurt by hearts who were not ready to carry all the magic that they are. And a plea for healing to all those bleeding and hurting others in the process. I hope in me sharing my truth, you are inspired to do the same and heal.
